Yelling doesn't work...
Before we get into the five ways to survive and eventually thrive, we need to look at what is at play in the interactions that tire us out.
Love is a universal emotion we as humans crave. We all need to be loved, heard, and understood. When we experience those three needs fully we feel safe, appreciated, and accepted. Have you noticed how you gravitate toward those people who become your safety net, who values who we are?
Are you tired of trying to explain to someone especially your mate how you feel about something, only to be told, “That’s not how it really is”? Are you tired of asking someone to explain what they mean to only hear, “never mind”? Do you want to scream shut the…. Up and listen?
Dismissing and discounting what we feel starts with a disconnect between the two people trying to communicate. Often times this exchange is between a man and a woman; yes Mars and Venus still are trying to understand each other! How can someone tell you what rain feels like falling on your skin? How can he truly know how it feels to be in the skin you’re in? How can someone see through my eyes? I know for sure when one person believes that he/she knows exactly what someone else is feeling all the time, that know-it-all attitude becomes intrusive and destructive to the person on the receiving end. How many times have you wanted to say let me be in my skin and I’ll let you stay in your skin – so we both can win?
Let’s be honest there are times when people act like they are at an emotional Wal-Mart center and can pick and chose which feelings of yours to discount. Make sure you do not allow his words to support your inner critic. Remove the need to hear the internal-lies or to internalize what is not even about you.
Many people have unresolved feelings that are below their sense of awareness so therefore have not been healed. When you name your pain, you can claim it and heal it. Distractions, anything that keeps you from going within or working on unresolved emotions are everywhere. For example, taking care of OPP (other people’s problems) instead of your own, social media, video games, movies, organizations etc.
I know people who ignore someone sitting at the same table with them to update their status on Facebook or would rather interact with someone around the world via FB than to interact or communicate in a sincere way with the person in front of you.
If you continue to repress and suppress your feelings, you become the leaky bucket with your issues dripping out when you least expect them. Feelings buried alive never heal because you cannot heal what you refuse to feel. When someone keeps telling the same old story again and again maybe they still don’t feel heard.
You’ve watched someone explode over a minor happening, well it is because it is not about that one infraction it is about all the other times, places, and cases when their feelings were dismissed, discounted, and disrupted.
When you feel someone is about to dismiss, discount, or disturb your emotional state here are five steps to help you through it.
1. Protect yourself energetically ~~~ ground, center, protect
2. Release the vow to be the mule ~~~ you do not have to carry the weight of the whole relationship
3. Let him off the hook ~~~ he does not have to fix or repair, just listen
4. Boundaries up ~~~ we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate
5. Write it down ~~~ list what you want or/and need and him to please read and respond later There is nothing wrong with taking care of you. Remember self-first is not the same as selfish.
Tell me this – How do you handle it when someone continues to dismiss or discount your feelings?
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Doctor C J's Blog 
Unfortunately, I just continue to bury my feelings. I do not know how to get across that I am entitled to my feelings and you cannot tell me that my feelings are wrong. I also find it just down right arrogant when someone tries to tell you they know exactly how you feel! Exactly?? How in the world can anyone know exactly how anyone else feels about anything?
When someone is trying to express themselves the least you can do is listen and hear what they are saying. Do not cut them off to tell them you know all and then proceed to explain to them why you know better, or why your situation is worse.
By: Chakira on February 14, 2012
at 8:46 am
Couldn’t agree more!!!
By: Angela Brigano on August 9, 2013
at 1:49 pm
Chakira,
Thanks for sharing I can feel your frustration. Sometimes we just want to be assured by people listening with their heart and not their head. Why is it for so many people that my story becomes a let-me-top-that exercise????
As a mother who has lost a child to death, I cannot say I know how every single mother who has had the same experience feels. I know of her pain but I do not know her exact pain.
Le’ts assume we are talking with a man and use #3. What if letting him off the hook includes telling him, I need to vent, you can compare or repair tomorrow but for right now listen with your heart not your head????? Or maybe a couple of hours later. 🙂
By: C J on February 14, 2012
at 2:19 pm
What if it’s your family, not your spouse? My parents and siblings love me to death as long as I don’t disagree or have a viewpoint that’s not theirs. If they do something that bothers me or upsets me and I say anything, all hell breaks loose. All of a sudden I misunderstood or took something the wrong way or im being “ridiculous.” It never fails that if I am in a disagreement with any of my family members, regardless of what it’s about, they discount my feelings. I don’t know what to do bc I’ve tried telling them how that makes me feel to no avail. It’s infuriating and so hurtful. I’m 36 and at this point, I just don’t see them changing. To make matters worse, after I bought my house, my parents moved in to the one next door!!! Not a good thing, esp in circumstances like this!
By: J.P. on June 10, 2012
at 11:53 pm
JP,
Thank you so much for your question. You, being brave enough to voice your infuriating and hurtful emotions, will help someone else in a similar situation who reads this blog.
My first question is what is your birth order? Sometimes that plays a bigger part than most of us realize.
You already know the answer to your question because most likley your family will not change, which means if you want a different type of relationship with your family you will have to interact or respond differently to them.
One of the first ways to change the interaction is to recognize even though you are related you do not view the world from their lens. As long as you resist them they will resist you. Let’s say you are the sun and they are the moon both part of the same Universe but with different roles to play.
What If we look at the five steps discussed above for you?
1. How often do you ground, center, and protect yourself before family gatherings?
2. What if you stop trying to make them hear, feel, or see you and yet you feel heard?
3. What if you really will never agree with them?
4. You deserve boundary protection even with family.
5. What if you write down the type of relationship you would like to have with family so that you are putting the Universe on notice to help you with your family?
JP, I hope this helps – feel free to email me at ‘doctorcj@att.net’ for a bigger cup of comfort and deeper discussion!
By: C J on June 11, 2012
at 1:45 pm
I am the oldest with two younger sisters. Honestly, I guess I’ve never tried to ground, center or protect myself before family interactions. I never thought about that and I’m not exactly even sure how to go about doing that. Would love to try it though if you could provide suggestions on how to do that. Thank you.
By: J.P. on June 11, 2012
at 4:32 pm
JP,
I don’t know what your ethnicity is but for most cultures the oldest child is expected to be the perfect child, the perfect role model for the younger ones, this includes being loyal, obedient, and agreeable at all times with the elders, while the younger ones can get away with much more.
These expectations are crazy making because the oldest would go crazy trying to live up to all of those unspoken rules and you would not get to be yourself. I am the baby of four and my sister who is the oldest and I are best friends even though we play such different roles. Of course, it may help that in our family we are allowed our own opinion.
All that being said, when you learn to be comfortable with other peoples’ discomfort with you, when you are not being agreeable with them, life will get easier for you. The Serenity Prayer helps me with comfort levels.
1. Grounding: Start by sitting with your feet flat on the floor or if standing feet hip distance apart and flat on the floor. Imagine your feet are touching the ground/earth and under the bottom you have roots like a strong tree, that go deep down into the earth until you feel stable and strong as if it would take a hurricane to knock you over. Allow three deep relaxing breaths to run through your whole body.
2. Centering: Start by sitting or standing as above – this time you will put your hands on your navel and breathe in and out three times or until you feel your central energy fully running from your head to your feet. Think of being calm and centered.
3. Protecting: Visualize that you are encased in an egg shaped light of protective energy which prevents other people’s negative energy from entering your personal space. Some people use a bubble or cloud but I like to use the egg shape. Relax your arms, shoulders and hands and allow three deep breaths as you feel the protection.
JP please start this practice of G-C-P before you need it with your family. Let it become a natural part of your day before using it with family.
May I suggest that when you interact with your family you take away some of their power over you by stating, “We already know that we will disagree on this – I know you will think I have misunderstood… and I know you think this is ridiculous – but hear me out anyway.” Then you will give voice to your thoughts and feelings and when they start to disagree or resist, you can say, “We all knew this was going to happen right…”
What if, you give them your personal power when you let them know that their approval or choosing to disagree with you has such high importance for you? I hope this helps. I have more tools if you need them.
By: C J on June 12, 2012
at 11:34 am
Thank you! I appreciate all of your advice and am definitely going to see if I can make these tools work for me! I started reading a book that is along these same guidelines and I’m really hoping I can use it, along with your advice, to start healing some of the issues I’ve had since childhood. Hoping by doing that I can have more positive interactions with my family and maybe set an example that they will want to follow as well.
By: J.P. on June 12, 2012
at 12:19 pm
JP
You are so welcome.
You already have the right attitude so I believe these tools will work for you. I’m sending you lots of love, light, and positive energy. I do believe that there is a difference between family and relatives. Family you’re connected by a love-line and relatives you are connected by a blood-line.
Healing childhood issues is vital to enjoying life to its fullest. Some of your childhood issues may not even be yours. If you have a therapist take advantage of her wisdom and may I suggest reading my book, Wombology: healing the primordial memories and wounds your grandmother’s daughter gave to you… available at Amz.com or your favorite online book seller. After reading it I would love for you to let me know if anything in my book fits for you.
The fact that you want a different relationship with your family is a great example you have set!
All the best – I’m right here if you need another cup of comfort…
By: C J on June 13, 2012
at 11:22 am
WOW! Not only did I enjoy the post itself, but the conversation between you two also! I can totally relate to J.P on so many levels, and Dr. CJ, your advice is refreshing! I am so glad that I found this post. This will be something I reference back to on a regular basis! Thank you!
By: Angela Brigano on August 9, 2013
at 12:50 pm
Reblogged this on Lil-Bit-o-Dis-n-Dat (Angela Brigano) and commented:
“How can someone tell you what rain feels like falling on your skin? How can he truly know how it feels to be in the skin you’re in? How can someone see through my eyes? I know for sure when one person believes that he/she knows exactly what someone else is feeling all the time, that know-it-all attitude becomes intrusive and destructive to the person on the receiving end. How many times have you wanted to say let me be in my skin and I’ll let you stay in your skin – so we both can win?” -Dr. CJ
Thank you Dr. CJ for helping me understand that I’m not imagining things when I believe my feelings are being discounted or dismissed. I’d like to print this out and hand it to at least dozen people but for now I’ll just share it on my page. Your wisdom and advice have soaked in and I will be back to read more!
This is a follow up to my post “Why I Have Hidden Emotional Pain – (Which Doesn’t Happen Very Often BTW)” You can find it here—->
http://lilbitodisndat.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/why-i-have-hidden-emotional-pain-which-doesnt-happen-very-often-btw/
Thank you again for your insight!
By: Angela Brigano on August 9, 2013
at 12:58 pm
Angela,
Welcome to my family. I’m glad we found each other. My soul’s assignment is to help people release their emotional baggage through emotional freedom
By: C J on August 9, 2013
at 7:19 pm
I am extremely happy I found you too! Like I said, I can’t wait to read more of your knowledgable words! 🙂
By: Angela Brigano on August 9, 2013
at 7:22 pm
I love the way the Universe re-connects soul family members.
Thank you for your kind words.
By: C J on August 9, 2013
at 7:24 pm
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By: team play on June 23, 2014
at 2:28 pm
Team Play,
Thanks for stopping by and subscribing. We’ll connect again soon.
By: C J on June 24, 2014
at 9:39 am
Team Play,
Thank you for visiting my blog welcome to our community of caring souls.
By: C J on July 3, 2014
at 5:24 pm
I like your “emotional Walmart” metaphor. Very apt and very funny. This helped me. Thanks.
By: Jason Massey on September 2, 2017
at 6:28 am
Jason, you’re welcome. Glad I could help and make you laugh.
No one has the right to tell us how we “really” feel!
By: C J on September 2, 2017
at 9:34 am
Great info on this subject. Mine also, is my family. My mom, in particular, she favors my younger sister over my brother and I. I am a middle child and he is the oldest. She denies it but it is evident in the things she says and does. I called her out, as others have in the past, and she says it is not true. She says hurtful things and I know it is to self protect. My feelings are dismissed as she ends conversations with “I’m ending this game” or “I’m done talking about this and I’m going to hang up” and then she hangs up or “I’m not going to have a war of words with you”. I don’t feel heard and I know I can’t change her. I am not sure how to move forward in the relationship and let go of my feelings. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I am feeling resentful and I feel that I don’t really matter much to her. She has her favorite and she can take me or leave me.
By: Debra on October 2, 2017
at 9:54 am
Debra, I feel your pain. You’re absolutely right you cannot change her, But you can change how you respond or react to her. Again, no one has the right to tell us how we feel, not even mom.
Will you email me so we can talk in more detail? My email is thedoctorcj@gmail.com put dismissed in the subject line.
By: C J on October 2, 2017
at 2:35 pm