Doctor C J's Blog

We crave perfection because we fear rejection!

   BFFs (best friends forever) at least in my imperfect world.

                But in my best Patti LaBelle voice, “I got a New ATTITUDE!”

 If you’re into perfection you might be like I was when I suffered wildly from fear of rejection and without even knowing it let that fear direct my day. Recently I had one of those ‘aha’ moments – you know one of those times when you hear- ‘ding-ding’ well after the ding-ding I heard – I needed to be needed so that I couldn’t be rejected. In my mistaken and limiting belief I believed, if I’m needed “they” won’t reject me.

I forgot all about the need vs. want principle, which is – if a person merely needs you for something when that need is fulfilled “they” will no longer want you. UggH!

Perfection and rejection keep your emotions homeless with no place to rest!

So my fear of rejection fed my drive for perfection – I now realize that this is ass-backwards thinking. Napoleon Hill author of ‘Think and Grow Rich’ wrote another book that was published and released for the first time in 2011 although it was written some 70 years ago. Anyway in this old new book, ‘Outwitting the Devil’ he says FEAR is the devil’s cleverest and favorite device.

Our Media advertisements sure play on that one as a formula or blueprint to get us to buy their products – “If you don’t use ……… MY Brand you want get… “And of course, politicians use the fear factor too- if you don’t elect me you and your family will suffer from…… You get me drift! Fear tactics work so let’s become more aware of them when we are exposed to them.

“People will do more to avoid rejection than they will ever do to gain pleasure.” Tony Robbins

I released my deep need to be perfect and to be seen as perfection in motion, back in the 1990’s and yet just recently I have realized and recognized three main things about rejection and perfection, which I’ll discuss more deeply in a bit.

Remember what might be “perfect” to you might not be to someone else, that’s why perfection and rejection are so closely related. Have you noticed that when you try to please everyone it makes you freeze and you don’t get much accomplished? Have you watched yourself running in circles at a break neck speed for nothing?

Don M. Ruiz author of The 4 Agreements says, “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dream.” If this is true let’s agree to stop the madness of fearing rejection and stop trying to please everyone.

“Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. If we’re frantic, life will be frantic. If we’re peaceful, life will be peaceful…” Marianne Williamson

What if rejection is the Universe sending you in a new direction? As a writer rejection is part of my profession and part of the process of continually improving my craft and becoming a better writer. Life is full of rejection on many levels I’m learning to be comfortable with my imperfections and to honor and respect the lessons and gifts they send me. I am okay with life’s U-turns and detours because I have no choice but to learn to bob and weave in order to remain standing and true to me.

Could we just strive for doing our very best instead of perfection because once we’ve done our very best what else can we do? – really nothing – Please believe – I know that – what is “your best” on Sunday might be totally different from “your best” on Monday and that is okay.

And by doing your best it allows you to stop the self-judgments – self-criticism – and self-doubt. Don Ruiz says, when you do your best under any circumstance, you will avoid self-abuse, self-judgment, and regret.

“To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken.” Mark Nepo

Perfection just like multi-tasking is over-rated and becomes an ET (energy thug) that keeps you out of balance and in search of something that simply does not exist. Rejection is under-rated and becomes the ET that keeps you frozen in fear and to always play it small and safe – to not step outside of your comfort zone. I’m learning that just one step outside my comfort zone is expansive personal growth and that rejection and its fear kept me constantly reaching and searching for more.

Okay so here are the three main things I realized and recognized about rejection:

1. Fear of rejection leads to a need for perfection –
How does fear of rejection show up in your life: being a full-time people pleaser – full-time rescuer – habitually taking care of yourSelf last –

2. Self-rejection is the hardest to recognize and to recover from – 

How does self-rejection show up in your life: distorted body image – emotional eating — inability to release unhealthy limiting beliefs learned during childhood –

3. Rejection can begin in the womb—
How does womb rejection show up in our life: fear of abandonment – addictive personality – being a leaky bucket (meaning no matter how much love, attention, or stuff you are given – it leaks out of you)

•  A great example of a leaky bucket is the man (from OWN Network’s- “Iyanla Fix My Life”) who has 34 children by 17 different women and wakes up feeling empty every morning.

Dig deeper into what you can receive in the womb by checking out pages 30 and 59 in my book—
Wombology: healing the primordial memories and wounds your grandmother’s daughter gave to you– available at Amazon.com and other book sources.

A quiet pause and questions to help you continue to move forward: please respond to the questions on this post to help others on a similar journey:

• Are you tired of limping into your day instead of leaping into it with awe and curiosity?
• Are you ready to release the fear of rejection?
• What is your pay-off for you to stay small?

Come back soon for another cup of comfort!