Posted by: C J | July 21, 2014

Life is full of challenges and struggles BUT…

           suffering is a choice – You have to opt in to suffering!

Suffering is a choice!

Suffering is a choice!



Wait- wait un-clench your teeth, exhale, and relax your shoulders! I hear you asking, “What the heck do you mean suffering is a choice?  Who in their right mind would choose to suffer?”

Let me s’plain by giving you my definition of suffering. Ready? Okay for me, suffering is enduring and re-experiencing something painful through your memory of the incident.  Suffering is when you stay in misery or get stuck in a holding pattern by reliving the pain over and over again.

I’m not talking about physical pain, abuse, or PTSD etc. I am talking about the insanity of reliving the same emotionally charged incident over and over in your mind and expecting a different result.

I am talking about holding onto negative images or memories of the past that still have enough of a charge to hurt only you. The negative energy that vibrates around the whole situation keeps you stuck with negative perceptions, thoughts, which becomes your energy thug.

In my book –‘Wombology: healing the primordial memories and wounds your grandmother’s daughter gave to you’, in chapter three, I discuss Caroline Myss, author and intuitive healer she coined the word “woundology” to describe how people identify with their wounds, their wound stories, and even build kindred relationships around those wounds instead of healing them. And that my friend is what I’m talking about when I state, “Suffering is a choice!”

 “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think.” Buddha

Let me ask you a few questions: Are you holding on tightly with all your might to a hurtful memory because you’re right and “they” were wrong? Do you understand it is your choice to say in this stuck place of misery? Do you get that it’s your memory of the incident that is still hurting you not the incident?  Try this statement on for fit,  This is a part of my past- that helped make-up who I am BUT it is not all of who I am today.

Your past cannot be: re-arranged, changed, or forgotten — It can be accepted as; it was what it was (no judgment)

We all have difficulties and struggles it is a part of life in general- they help us grow and evolve into a more tolerant and empathetic being. If you’ve been through a rough and tough struggle you will recognize the battle in your friend when she is going through one. You can now reach out to her and share how you handled a similar situation- sometimes others can gain from our pain if we share our experience and are willing to be of service to the Universe.

I’ve had the honor and privilege to bear witness to many people”s transformation and growth and I have noticed that life will present us with what I call the 5-Cs around most situations.

It is how you handle, respond, or react to the 5-Cs that will express your deepest convictions, show the content of your character, and show your resilience.  How you handle the 5-Cs also showcases your personal transformation and spiritual growth over time. That is why if you’re one of my personal clients; journaling is a must. I have been journaling for over 40 years and have many- many journals to show for it… but that is a topic for another discussion.

Your true character shows up by the things you do when you think no one is watching.

The Five C-s are:

  1.        Contrast: the opposite of what you expected happens
  2.       Conflict: now what do I focus on what I expected to happen or what actually happened
  3.      Challenge: the unexpected is harder than you could imagine because it is unexpected
  4.      Choice: options to stick with status quo or choose a new view
  5.      Change: transformation opportunity -a chance to change

Please believe, I know that the 5-Cs can bring out the best in you or the worse in you – it all depends on your emotional state when you’re dealing with the mess of it all. Yet we cannot give up or give in as we move through the Cs. Thomas Edison tried 10 thousand times before he was successful with one project so maybe we could try at least one thousand times.

And I say we because I am guilty of starting a new project and not seeing it through or giving up half way through – so 10K is my new mantra. Now is the time to stop living in the past or reliving pain through your memory; it is only hurting you… the person or event that first hurt you has moved on long ago.

Find a safe space and a place to express and feel your feelings around a situation so that your emotions are no longer holding you hostage. Of course, I believe that journaling is a safe place.

Let me give you an example of using the 5-Cs:

Contrast = I expected my son to outlive me – he did not it’s been over 4 years since he moved to the other side – Conflict = Do I focus on his death and remain paralyzed with grief or do I focus on celebrating his 34 years of living – I celebrate his life as well as mourn his death – Challenge= Living life without his earthly essence is harder than anything imaginable – But- I still must live my life to its  fullest – Choice = Do I wallow in the truth and fact that life is unfair or do I embrace the belief that energy changes but does not die – I feel his energy around me often – Change = Do I recognize, respect, and honor that I have changed or stay in denial– I am more open and expanded SEM (spiritually, emotionally, and mentally) now than before

 “It’s been a long time coming but I know a change is gonna’ come…”     Sam Cooke

Emotional healing is a journey that begins within and it starts with just one step toward awareness so you can change the negative low vibration to a positive and higher vibration. Only you can make the choice to change from within. Please believe – no one says it’s easy or smooth but for me I had no choice but to continue to vibrate with more positive energy than negative so I wouldn’t lose my sanity.

I invite you to start to live without suffering by choice! Share with us in the reply section below what your first step will be or how you will allow your feelings to move through you instead of getting stuck. It’s time to release the self-inflicted suffering.

Next post I’ll share with you my proven 5-step Soul-lutions™ on how to handle situations with grace.

In the meantime here are 3 things to do to help you stop choosing to suffer.

  1.     Live for today in the present moment
  2.     Follow your heart and soul’s lead to release the past
  3.    Stay in your lane run your race


Come back soon for another cup of comfort!


  1. I think I experienced this most clearly in my marriage and subsequent divorce. Contrast = marriage reality was the opposite of what I had hoped for. Conflict = do I stay because I said “I do” even though I was miserable, or do I go and find joy again in my life? Challenge = starting a new life on my own. Choice = embracing my new life or wallowing in the past. Change = respecting and recognizing that my life experiences have helped make me who I am today. As hard as it was to grow through, I am a stronger person today.

    • Chakira,

      Glad to see you get exactly what I’m talking about. And you handled the 5 Cs with grace and strength. Proud of you today and who you are becoming.

      You come from strong stock.

  2. I know I am “behind” in responding to this but, C J, this is your second blog I have read and I cannot believe how what you say touches my heart and my mind. I have lived with guilt and sorrow for a very long time. I don’t often readily share this, but many years ago I divorced my husband. It needed to be done, but my two sons wound up living with him and I left. Would I have become the person I am today without ending the marriage? Absolutely not. I am proud of what I have become and what I have accomplished, but the important bottom line is that I think the Change of which you speak has finally come. I cannot change the past unfortunately but instead of constantly asking myself “How could I do that?”, I am living in my present and sharing love and life with my sons and family. Thank you for helping me see that letting go of guilt is okay.

    • Dottie,

      There is no such thing as being behind in responding. I am so grateful that my words touch your heart and mind and that they are helping you find your way.

      I stand proud with you that you can say out loud that you are proud of who you are and what you have done.

      My question to you is “How could you NOT do that?” Because self-care is not an option. To give your best you have to be your best and that is what you did. You loved yourSelf enough to take care of you and to show your sons there are boundaries that must be sustained.

      Please hear me when I say your response pulled my heart strings, tears of gratitude flew into my eyes, AND you put a feather in my angel wings, which means I am living my purpose. 😉

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