Get on your mark…
Are you ready for this?
I’ve been reading this book about how to build great relationships and how to end bad ones. One of the themes I really like in the book is about transitions – specifically how to move someone from your inner circle to your outer circle because a shift in the relationship has happened. The word transition for some reason resonated with my spirit.
When I first started writing this post my main thoughts were to discuss all the different transitions we go through in a day. For example: from being asleep to being awake — from being indoors to being outdoors — from being at work to going home or vice versa on all of them. Anyway you get my drift right…
But as I was writing I thought about what has happened recently in my life without warning there was a shift where I was dismissed (transitioned from a friend’s inner circle to their outer circle) swiftly and without warning. The door was slammed shut while my foot was still in the door (metaphorically).
“The relationships in your life will make the difference between happiness and misery.” Van Moody
Here’s a life lesson I learned about 15 years ago dealing with transitions, shifts, or changes whatever word works best for you: Knowing when to let change happen without resisting it — makes life easier.
How I learned this valuable lesson — I lived in Pueblo, CO for 20 years and from 1994 through 1997, when I was in my mid-forties working as a clinical therapist on a chemical dependency unit at a local hospital – helping addicts recover from their addictions and helping them learn to let go of being stuck in their addiction muck. At the end of each support group we would recite the Serenity Prayer as we all held hands and shouted, “COME ON WISDOM”. Well it took me about 6 months to recognize that I needed to start to live that prayer so that I could be an effective change agent while working with this population who needed a lot from me – SEEMP (spiritually, energetically, emotionally, mentally, and physically).
So as I am thinking about this current transition– that life lesson came bubbling back up to remind me to stop resisting what needs to be changed in a current situation in my life. And as I look back I have to ask was I in a relationship or a situation? Anyway here is the Serenity Prayer:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change – the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
My intuition – my gut is telling me to allow this transition of being placed in the outer circle or not even in the circle – although part of me wants to hold on tightly to what was… I know that transition itself is not complicated; it is simple – just go with the flow and let life happen – because it is what it is. At this moment I cannot change the situation nor do I want to and by letting go without resisting allows me to get my immediate past out of my immediate future and make room for a new normal.
As a Self-care Coach on this Self-care journey; I have to save my energy, time, spirit, and love for those people who do appreciate me for who I am. Another life lesson I’ve learned along the way is: we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate and today I have to embody that knowledge as wisdom because too often wisdom comes gift-wrapped in pain.
Wisdom often comes gift-wrapped in pain!
Oh yeah, the name of the book I was reading is ‘The People Factor’ by Pastor Van Moody. I will admit it is filled with Biblical references which might make it a difficult read for some – but trust me when I say it is full of information, knowledge, and wisdom. And well worth the read if you’re dealing with any kind of relationship.
Here are some questions I want you to explore — please leave your reply below because you never know when your story about transitions might help someone else on the same journey. Thanks.
- Is there a relationship transition going on in your life?
- Are you busy helping someone who the Universe has not assigned to you?
- Are you currently in a situation and not a relationship?
- Are you ready for a new normal?
Come back soon for another cup of comfort!
Doctor C J's Blog 
I was in a relationship for 10 years. I had been married previously for 15 years and have two children, now grown. My marriage ended in divorce, and I am over that and happy. My most recent relationship “just happened”. I med a guy at the car wash!!! Yes, car wash! We hit it off immediately; We did a lot together, we traveled to Las Vegas once per year. He was a GREAT guy. Into about the last three years of our relationship, he wasn’t as interested in getting together, or driving around. He lost his job and was devastated. I stood by him and tried to help. He became more and more negative and finally got to the point that the ONLY thing we did was text, at his convenience (my fault, to have accepted this). In the meantime, I was “promoted” to Grandma! That changed me. I loved life and that little boy. I didn’t want the negativity of this guy. I finally told him that we were finished. (It is very hard for me to break up with someone, because I don’t want to hurt THEIR feelings). We cried together, but agreed it was for the best. We still talk and he asks about my grandson. It was very hard, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I am much happier, and free to do what I want, when I want, how I want.
On a side note, I was recently diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. I am not sad. I have had this my entire life, but was never properly diagnosed. I was approved for Social Security Disability and resigned from my job. I just turned 54 a few weeks ago.
Life works in mysterious ways, but good has come to me.
I have known Dr. C.J. when she lived in Pueblo. She is an awesome lady and I’m lucky to have had her as a neighbor.
By: Paula Jackson on May 25, 2014
at 12:21 am
Paula,
Thank you for sharing your story it is the perfect example of how a relationship can start out so good and end badly because one person cannot handle a change in their life.
I talk about people being energy thugs but when I allow other peoples’ negativity make me into a negative energy thug shame on me and that’s why I am making that shift in my inner circle.
Glad our being neighbors help us remain friends today. And it so good to hear life is improving for you…
By: C J on May 25, 2014
at 8:00 pm
Amazing.. But not surprising that you would send something I really needed to hear (read) . I had a very dear, old friend tell me something yesterday that shocked and disappointed me ( in her) while it had nothing to do directly with me …the terms/words she used to describe her anger at someone else literally made me feel like I was going to throw up. Yes, literally. I pretty much think she said the things about this other person in the way she did to get AT ME too because she knew it would either anger me to the point of us getting into it – or it would show me who /what she really is. I know she was angry but still.. Her words about this person were unnecessary. So…. I’m in the mist of figuring out how to let go of a friend of over 40 years …perhaps just move them to my outer circle? Was I blind to the real her? Anyway – letting go with love and peace. Ahhhh exhale. Thank you CJ .
By: Carol on May 25, 2014
at 9:18 am
Carol,
40 years is a long time filled with lots of memories. It will not be easy by any means but it does sound like we’re in the same boat needing to move someone from our inner circle to our outer circle.
You know I ask myself the same question how blind was I? My other question – was my need to be seen as’the good one’ coloring my eyes to the truth? Because I now realize I was the giver more often than not.
Thanks so much for replying maybe our dialogue will help someone else.
By: C J on May 25, 2014
at 7:55 pm
CJ – Can these very sensible and thought-provoking comments about transitions in relationships/situations work in reverse? In other words, instead of being the recipient of a transition, can we be the instigator of a change to move someone out of our circle? How is this done with finality yet kindness? Is this possible? Thank you!!
By: Dottie on June 20, 2014
at 4:34 pm
Dottie,
Great questions… let me think on how to do it with finality.
But as for the doing it with kindness anytime you are coming from your heart space and treating a person the way you would want to be treated how the other person receives it is not the issue because you cannot control that. But most likely the person will feel the authentic intent behind our instigation.
As I think about the finality make sure you do not give mixed messages and it feels final or complete for you before you start the wheels in motion.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Let me know if my response helps – I can always dig deeper if needed.
By: C J on June 20, 2014
at 6:50 pm
CJ — the comment you made to Dottie was invaluable to me. I lost a friendship of over 20 years because I allowed myself to be dominated for that whole time. When I actually asserted myself a little and expected more consideration, it was over.
The thing I would like your take on is the religious factor in friendships. My ex-friend is a devout born-again Christian. I am not a Christian and do not follow any religion. But I am a very spiritual person (my husband calls me a gentle soul), and live by the 10 Commandments far more than most Christians I know because I believe them to be a good guideline for living your life and treating others.
My ex-friend was so critical of many of the choices my husband made (none of them were bad BTW), but she readily accepts the most horrendous actions of her Christian friends. She criticized my husband for a business decision he made which was totally ethical and above-board, but thinks it’s okay to remain friends with someone who is practically a criminal because they were “sisters in Christ”. What is that? Enough is enough. When she backed away, I let her go without a fight. Her perspective was totally clouded by religion.
I do not judge anyone by their faith. I embrace people of every faith and culture since they all have good qualities to share. I had a few good relationships with people of faith, but they all ended when we did not have interest in joining their church. Someone inevitably tells them they should not be friends with someone who does not share their faith, and they are soon gone. Are they only friends with us because we are accepting of them and they believe they can “recruit” us? Am I naive to believe these friendships can last?
Since you made reference to the book by Pastor Van Moody (I have not read it), I thought you might have a unique perspective on this.
By: Lovey on September 4, 2014
at 12:15 pm
Lovey,
I’m learning that people really do come into our lives for a season and when that season is done it’s done. I am an avid gardener so when I look seasonal flowers and know that exact flower will not return – I’ve been able to apply that flow to people.
Please believe it is not easy to grow/go these times but what also helps me is that when people show you who they are believe them.
With all that being said, your friendship with this woman really does depend on her belief system. Here’s a question are they really friendships or just a new situation???
I’m like you – not religious and yet very spiritual and live a life closer to Jesus’ callings than many Christians.
By: C J on September 4, 2014
at 4:50 pm